Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
