If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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