if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
