My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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