I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize