Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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