guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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