forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
