She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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