He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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