Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
