yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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