If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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