Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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