i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
