Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
