Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
