In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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