Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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