Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
