At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize