I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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