I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
