I wannas sexs uuuuu
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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