so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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