the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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