There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
