Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
