So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
