he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
