nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
True college students do jello shots in the library
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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