you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
