why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
A+ Viking dick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
