Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
