I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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