Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
