did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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