Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
