i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
