Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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