Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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