Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
