i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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