If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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