I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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