Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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