Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
