why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
