Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
