I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
