I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
