I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
