I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
