Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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