So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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