i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize