if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think I just sharted jello shots
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