So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
