I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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