i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
