And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
